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What If?

Guest Post by Jeffrey Key,

author of The Republic of Jack

            In 2010 Waterloo Press published my book The Republic of Austin, a collection of true historical vignettes taking place in and around Austin early in the city’s history. Not long thereafter I had just finished delivering a talk about the book to a local Rotary Club when an elderly gentleman approached and said, “You know, Dr. Kerr, Texas has the constitutional right to secede.” My own opinion on the matter is that the question was settled long ago by the bloodiest war in American history, but the man’s question did prompt me to imagine, “What if?”

            As laughable as the notion seems to non-Texans and, indeed, to many residents of the Lone Star State, there are people who would prefer to see an independent Republic of Texas. Even Rick Perry, state governor at the time, once quipped, “If Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, you know, who knows what might come out of that?” He later downplayed the remark, but subsequent polls indeed revealed double digit support for the idea. Interestingly, polls taken of those living in other states yielded a significant minority in favor of secession as a means of ridding the American family of an annoying cousin.

            So what would happen if Texas should secede or, as happens in The Republic of Jack, be tossed out of the Union by an irritated American president? How would a reborn Republic of Texas deal with the loss of protection afforded by the American military? What would be the result of the Border Patrol suddenly withdrawing to set up shop on the New Mexico, Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Louisiana borders? Would the entire state agree to separate, or would there be pockets of refusal, islands of American territory surrounded by a foreign power?

            As I pondered these questions, I realized that a story constructed from answering them would, of necessity, be a comedy. What better way of demonstrating the absurdity of an idea than by stretching it to its limit and beyond? What better means of doing so than through the actions of a political demagogue—someone who lusts after the office of governor to feed his or her egotism rather than a desire to serve the public good?

            Thus was born Jack Cowherd, fictional blowhard of Texas politics, who will say or do anything to defeat a political rival. In Jack’s case this means currying the favor of the Texas Patriot Party with its secessionist agenda, despite the fact that Jack sees secession as lunacy. Serving as Jack’s frustrated conscience is Chief of Staff Tasha Longoria, while her moral opposite Fred Halsey, Jack’s campaign manager, insists that in a political campaign, anything goes. Thus, when Tasha protests, “That’s called lying, Jack,” Fred counters with, “That’s called winning.”

            While I had a lot of fun imagining absurd situations arising in an independent Texas, there was one instance of life outdoing art. During a televised debate, Jack’s gubernatorial opponent explains his opposition to a border-security bill calling for stocking the Rio Grande with alligators.

“Trained alligators,” said Jack. “Trained to grab hold but not bite. After all,” he winked at the audience, “we don’t want to hurt the terrorists.”

Not long after I wrote this there were reports of White House conversations in which the president suggested stocking the Rio Grande not only with alligators but snakes as well. Apparently, my imagination was outstripped by reality!

            Rounding out the cast of main characters in The Republic of Jack is Jack’s beautiful but vacuous wife, Nadine (“Jack, honey, you’ve got to do it. I already paid for the dress I’m wearing to the inaugural ball. Losers don’t have balls, Jack. Winners have balls.”), her equally empty-headed friend Brianna (“Like the Beatles said, ‘You can’t always get what you want.’”), and ruthlessly ambitious politician Charlie Clutterbuck, a purported ally playing Brutus to Jack’s Caesar.

            As Jack stumbles through the hero’s journey, he—like Texas—undergoes a rebirth of his own, recognizing at last the dangerous folly of his demagoguery. At the depth of his despair he is forced to choose between the public good and his own personal safety. The Jack Cowherd of chapter one would have reflexively opted for the latter. By story’s end, Jack is indeed tempted to save his skin but, ultimately, can’t do it if that means abandoning Texas and its people. As he tells one shady character, “Mr. Kelly, let me tell you something I learned recently. Lying to get what you want has a way of coming back to bite you in the ass.” By the time he says this, Jack has no intention of letting anyone bite him, or Texas, in the ass or anywhere else.